As humans, we’re inundated with messages of fear. I never paid attention to the amount of fear in my life until I was faced with understanding why I feared being clairvoyant. I was absolutely clueless to the single greatest control in my life.
Vocalizing that I was fearful was easy for me; I was scared stupid and was not ashamed to admit it. Identifying where those fears came from was a little harder; they had always been a part of my thinking. Walking into the reality that I had to face those fears scared me as much as the fear itself.
I did not believe I had the intelligence, the experience, or the grace to let go of fear. I had known them, believed in them, been taught and taught others the fears, and I had clung to these familiars my whole life.
Letting go of fear is much bigger than giving up a bad habit; it is reevaluating the fabric of your beliefs. It is choosing to let go of things you believed in and even fought to keep. It is an undoing of one’s self. Anticipating the facing of my fears filled me with incredible, paralyzing doubt.
But, staying where I was filled me with disappointment and I could not accept that. It is one thing to get over the hurts we feel from others, it is much harder to get over the hurts we choose for ourselves. Those hurts are where regret, and eventually shame, are cultivated.
I had to face myself; all of me and all of my beliefs. If I was going to have a fear, I was going to have to look it in the face and say “I choose you.” I could no longer accept that I had embraced fears blindly and allowed them to control my potential, my future.
I braced myself and began the process.
Something surprising happened – letting go of fear was way easier than I could have ever dreamed.
Anticipating and imagining the horrors of all of my fears gathered in one place, staring me down, was entirely a nightmare of my own making.
Actually letting go of the fears, most of which I found I didn’t even believe in, was liberating.
Now, let me clarify – I am not saying I let go of my fear of jumping off a cliff – that is crazy (even with a bungee cord – I don’t care what you say!). I choose that fear all day long.
I am talking about fears rooted in what we have been taught, and what we have taught ourselves about spirit.
I AM NOT TALKING TO DEAD PEOPLE
That was the first thing I said when I first heard “You are a medium.” I hadn’t even sat down yet and this lady was telling me “You see dead people.” Um, NO. Not happening sweetheart. I am not talking to dead people.
I said it forcefully and with full intention of never opening myself up to talking to ghosts.
The first psychic/medium I had ever met had the giant task of getting ME to accept I was a medium. Luckily, she was a patient soul and had a great understanding of my absolute refusal to acknowledge what was happening. I knew something was happening to me. I had “weird” experiences that had led me to seek out someone else who had “weird” experiences – mind you, it took me 13 years to make this call.
So, I was peeking through the peep hole in a door – but I had that door sealed shut with industrial strength deadbolts and an alarmed security monitor for back up. Can you feel my fear?!
This medium was about to blow the door wide open, well, gently pry the door handle from my white knuckled, death-gripped hands.
First, she said, you know there is a reason you are here; you made the appointment because you are having experiences that you thought I would understand.
True. Ok. (Breathe, keep breathing)
Then, she asked me why I was so scared.
Dead people. That is definitely what I am scared of!
Why, she asked.
Why? Is that a question that needs to be answered – THEY ARE DEAD!
She smiled (at this point – I am 90% sure she is about to devour my soul and feed it to her dead friends).
She asked me to explain to her what my fear was. I explained, in detail, Samara climbing out of the well (if you don’t know Samara, look up images for a movie named The Ring. I will wait…go ahead).
I had a very real fear that dead people talking to me was evil incarnate. Ghosts were the gateway drug to the main event; demons. Yup. Demons, evil spirits, Linda Blair in the Exorcist – that was the real goal of ghosts – possession and consumption of my soul.
Everything I had been taught through religion had told me that anything related to psychics was evil and I believed all of it. Everything I had seen on TV, which was a lot, backed up my fears with images of ghosts, demons, and evil. I had a very well articulated narrative, including full-color, 3D, illustrations of what evil was, and how it got in, and I believed all of it.
This sweet, patient medium taught me the first great lesson of my abilities.
She asked me to think of all the parts of my thoughts and understanding as individual files in my brain. Each file is filled with the memories, images, and feelings associated to its subject; this is the file that is retrieved when we experience anything related to the file’s subject. Everything, every person, every subject in our lives has a file.
She then explained that I had a “ghost & demons” file and it was very well illustrated by all the imagery I had ever acquired and attached to the file. This file was also packed full of all the lessons and warnings I had ever been taught about death, dead people, hell, psychics, demons and evil.
This was the file that was retrieved the second I had any “weird” experiences. Every spiritual ability experience I was having had to get to me through this file.
There was NO chance of ANY ability experience getting to my understanding without going through the Ghost/Demon/Soul Devouring file first. That meant that every single experience I was having was filtered through the Evil file and, if I was experiencing it, the file was also warning me that I was probably evil too. I had no avenue for communication except through the fear of the Evil file; this was the ONLY way spirit could communicate with me.
She asked me to do one thing; create a new file.
I didn’t have to let go of my Evil file yet, just be willing to create a New file.
Create a file where spirit can communicate with you. A file where you know and trust that your grandmother wouldn’t come through with anything but the same love she had for you on earth. A file where you trust your Highest Power/Creator/God created you in love, with the purest intention, and for a greater good.
She asked me why I was so willing to believe that any ability I was created with was intended for evil. And I could not answer her. Suddenly, I found myself staring into the Evil file and questioning every solitary piece of its contents. I knew, in my soul, that I wasn’t created to be evil AND I had been created with spiritual abilities. Those were truths I would choose to believe. Those truths would be the first lessons in my New file.
Acknowledging your fears is the first step in every journey. Assessing their value is the next.
The fears I had about spiritual abilities served no purpose. They were not protecting me; they were paralyzing me.
Being clairvoyant is not evil. It is a spiritual ability.
As with any human ability, we can choose how we use the ability. I can choose to use the ability through a veil of fear and I will connect with, and routinely see, darkness. I can also choose that there is a greater purpose to the ability and seek to be an active part of that light. This is where we hear about vibration; low, heavy, dark energy has a lower vibration. It is energy – we can feel this from the living and from spirits. BUT – we don’t have to “plug in” to the lower vibration to know that it is there (another great lesson from my 1st medium!).
You know the drunk guy at every party who is staggering around, winking at every girl, thinking he is God’s gift to women – you want to “plug in” to his energy?! (If you do – please contact me – we need to talk!)
No – because if you did, you are probably going to have a really unsatisfying, if not awful, experience. Your instincts tell you this, so you walk on past that hot mess of low-vibrating energy.
Same thing in spirit; you can “know” it without having to engage or absorb it. It isn’t a demon; it’s a low-vibrating energy. Drunk guy at the party; also, not a demon, just an idiot.
If you question your ability to identify low and high vibrating energy – listen to your body. When we feel down, low, upset, angry, our body responds; it slumps, it tightens, it literally shrinks down. When we feel happy, safe, peaceful; our body becomes more open, relaxed, and we stand a little taller. Pay attention to your body, your instincts; you will be surprised at how much you already know about what feels “good” and what feels “bad.” When something feels bad, acknowledge it but don’t pick it up and take it home (insert drunk guy at the party image).
When something feels good, take note! Really look at what feels good about it; is there something specific about that “good” that attracts you to it? Write it down! Start making your New file. This is how you are going to develop your understanding of good and bad, light and dark. This is how you are going to develop your understanding of your own ability and what you want to connect to, and what you don’t. You absolutely choose this.
Our souls all have a purpose. We work towards that purpose in this life and the next. Some have more work to do on the other side. In my experience, and the experiences shared by other mediums, they are not trying to do anything to me; they are dealing with their own lessons and sometimes, I see a small piece of that story. That is it.
The dark, heavy experiences I had prior to accepting my abilities have not happened since I allowed myself to believe that I was not evil and that evil was not trying to get me.
We invite the dark stuff in. We fill our head with dark things.
We can also take back the invitation and clear a little headspace for a New file.
Choose what connects to you, what feels right to your story. Give yourself the space to allow another narrative. Trust that you were created for greater things. Make a New file and choose its contents.