Bless your mess

bless your mess

As you begin to get more in touch with your spirituality, you invite change into your life. Some of the changes will feel super groovy, there will be days when you feel like you’ve discovered the meaning to life, you’ll feel darn right unstoppable. Yipee!

The other thing that happens when you embrace your spiritual path…things start blowing up! And I don’t mean fall apart slowly, I mean explosions of “what in the hell?!” Trust me, friend…I have seen my life implode and felt the yuck that comes along with it.

Why? The age old question: why me, why this, why now? The truth of it is, you are expanding and some things in your life, aren’t going to fit into the newer, expanded version of you. Some of the exits might be surprising. Don’t fret, some will be welcome and you’ll feel relief. But if you’re like most humans, change feels uncomfortable. And let’s be honest, unexpected change can be traumatic.

I’m going to spill my guts here. After going my entire life of living with one foot in the “Anything is Possible” camp, and one foot in the “Where in the Hell is the Exit?” camp, I finally had my year of a-ha, holy crap, what is happening, please make it stop. Actually 6 months is more accurate.

I spent the first six months of the year frolicking in that awesome space of: Anything is Possible, and everything is AWESOME. For the first time in my life I was in a beautiful relationship with my soulmate. I was drunk in love, and you could not, would not, dare not, dissuade me with any talk of “reality.” I didn’t need your stanky reality, I knew what was true for me, and I was digging it.

Even my psychic friends, and I mean my go-to-gals who know what in the heck is going on behind the scenes, all confirmed for me, this guy was MY guy, my person, the one I would walk into the sunset of this lifetime with. WHEW! Finally! Rejoice.

Until one day, suddenly that was no longer my reality. Sudden isn’t a strong enough word for the flip. So life punched me in the jaw and I felt lost, spinning, questioning everything. When I say everything, I mean everything I thought I knew. I spent a couple of very distressing, disturbing months, diving into the darkness. I figured that if I was already on the floor, I might as well take a deep look around and see what shadows and dust bunnies I needed to deal with.

giving away your powerAnd what a summer of ugly, I had. I was living in two spaces simultaneously. My body was present at client meetings, family functions, and I kept my offspring and critters alive. The other space I was living in was full of darkness and doubt. I’ll just summarize the Summer and Fall of 2017, was my least favorite time of my life. Least favorite.

As will all periods of yuck, I knew deep inside there was something for me to learn. It wasn’t about being a deserving person. The Universe is always delivering you opportunities for your greatest good. Yeah, try telling someone in a depression “this is for your greatest good!” ~ and be sure you have your running shoes on, and a good head start.

When my friend (and spiritual mentor) Ingrid told me, “There is going to come a time when you’re going to feel like this box of darkness was a gift.” I remember thinking, “I love you, and yet, I want to punch you…” I did not in fact punch my friend, but I couldn’t wrap my brain around her words.

Even though I didn’t intend to…I did learn some things. The biggest thing was that my abandonment issues that had followed me around my entire life, were ready to be met HEAD ON. There was no more stuffing those suckers in a box, no more ignoring that I was triggered by people disappearing. I’ve been known to disappear first. Hell, since we were digging around inside the box of darkness, I might as well figure out how to finally blow up that self sabotaging belief. I found evidence in my life that disproved my abandonment theory: turns out people didn’t leave me; yep, I was adopted, but I didn’t need to keep making my childhood traumas and insecurities my main story line. It didn’t work for me anymore, so why was I embracing that story and clinging on to it for dear life? Duh.

Ok, cool ~ finally dropped the abandonment story line. I felt slightly lighter. Not great, but still a positive shift, and I didn’t see it coming. Dropped that story line and wondered, OK, what’s next? Well, I figured out that in intimate relationships I give my power away. Not intentionally, and my lover did not ask for it, in fact, pretty sure he didn’t want it. I was not consciously doing it, but when he disappeared and I was left spinning, I realized…holy crap! I am a house without a foundation. And it has nothing to do with him.

I am an excellent partner: kind, generous, loyal, and open. I also give my partner so much space, that when they aren’t there to fill it up, I have empty space. I did not build up enough things, passions, hobbies in my own space, I filled it up with HIM. And he was (and is) fantastic, by the way. So fantastic that I didn’t notice that my free time and empty spaces were filled up with him. So, fast track to the speed bump ~ he goes away and I’ve got this enormous empty space. That space SHOULD have included me, my interests, my passions, my dreams…ME. Because if my space was filled up with me, and he stepped out, I’d still have a bunch of ME.

Ya follow?
shadow selfI don’t blame you if you don’t. But the point of my story is that as I dug around the dirt, and looked at what I’d planted, and then what I’d harvested, I came to understand myself better. The Universe had shined a light on my dark spaces. I didn’t want it at the time, and I wasn’t loving it as I moved through it, but one day, inexplicably…I could breathe. I noticed one morning that I woke up with a little smirk on my face. Gasp – could I be giving up this wounded warrior story line? Could I be OK with letting all this go, and actually feel happy whether I was in this relationship or not?

That was an exciting and scary moment. If I give up my sadness over this unexpected split, does this mean that I am “over it?” If I’m over it, does that mean it disappears forever? But, on the other hand…wow, I’m breathing again. The clouds are parting a bit, and the sun is visible again. Oh the conundrum of self discovery and spirituality.

So I blessed my mess, and told the Universe ~ OK, I’m done with this, show me something new. The Universe never fails to deliver. As I stayed the course, and kept growing in my power, I cared a lot less about what others were doing. The people in my life could come and go and I was going to be OK.

The lack of attachment I felt, wasn’t a lack of compassion, caring or love. It was how I learned to love others, but also keep that love laser pointed back at myself.

As our lives expand to match our spiritual discoveries, we can expect changes. Try and remember that the changes you weren’t expecting are probably the ones you most needed to experience for your growth. Change is uncomfortable, but as my friend (whom I did NOT punch in the face) said, “someday you’ll be thankful for the box of darkness.” Ya feel me?!

rosalie brown

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